"Let the world know my story"-Anonymous

"Let the world know my story"-Anonymous

"A friend told me to tell 'my story'. That it has the ability to reach out and touch someone’s life in a positive way. It’s difficult to think like that since I really haven’t figured out how to find the positive in my story. I have no problem telling people the shit ive gone through and the horrible things ive done to others and myself. I’ve come to realize that I actually haven’t accepted my past.

When I tell people about my past it feels like I’m telling someone elses story. I have become so disconnected from my past that I’m cold on the inside. So it’s hard to think that my story could help someone when in reality I haven’t figured out how my past could help me. I visited my home town where I spent the first 24yrs of my life about two months ago, not that I wanted to but that my family wanted to see me. I hate going back there. All this time I thought it was since I made such a perfect life for myself in the PNW that it was hard to leave even for a short period of time. When in reality it was due to the fact that I hated my past thrown in my face. It’s funny how even the littlest of things could conjure up old bad memories. I have become so good at disconnecting myself from my past. This whole time after moving away I actually thought I accepted my past and in a healthy way moved on.

This trip was different for some reason and I haven’t figured out why yet. I felt it with every single step I took. I didn’t feel like I was watching a movie like it felt all the other times I visited back home. I felt like I was actually there. I know that might not make complete sense but Ill do my best to explain. Every time I’ve gone back home I was always counted down the seconds till I got back on the plane to go back to the PNW. Most of my thoughts were filled with ideas of things I wanted to do why I get back. I would go through the motions of visiting with family and friends but not in a sense being there. Like I said, this time was different. There was no escaping my past anymore. Sitting in my grandma’s house where she took her last breath for some reason I was slapped in the face with reality. I couldn’t hide anymore. The demons were biting at my ankles and I wasn’t strong enough to shake them off. I sat there crying my eyes out realizing how horrible of a person I was. My past latched on and made me look right in it’s eyes. Now, I mentioned my grandma’s house because of the huge significance it had of this life changing moment in my life. My grandma died about 2.5yrs ago.

Growing up my grandma and I had a special connection. She had no problem telling everyone I was her golden child. I still don’t know why but I was to her. Growing up we did everything together. She taught me how to bake, plant flowers, build model cars, play cards, take care of myself, the list goes on. My parents were too busy either getting high, fighting, running a business etc. My grandmas house was safe haven for me. I didn’t have to worry about seeing my mom get the shit beat out of her, or know that my parents were coked out. The only pure happy memories I have of my youth are with my grandma. But that all changed when I got into highschool and started self-destruction. I started getting into trouble, getting high, stealing pills and money. The reasons I spent time with my grandma switched from just enjoying her presence to stealing her pills and money or knowing that she would give me money just because she wanted to show her love. In her eyes I was there because I loved her, not saying I didn’t but I always had an ulterior motive. Being in her home this time, it all came to me and there was no running away.

Like I said before I thought I accepted it but in reality I sprinted away from it. I have come to learn that I can’t run anymore. I have to fully embrace that person I was because that is who I am. I am not two different people. I can’t separate the two. The person I was in the past is the same person I see when I look into the mirror now. That is still a daily battle with myself, I still struggle with wanting to separate the past from the future. The only difference between the two is that the person I am today is a little more wise and conscious of my actions. There’s a fine line from running away from your past to actually accepting it. Its still a habit im trying to break. That old saying “I’m not the same person I was in the past” couldn’t be more wrong. We are the entire person we were in the past, we can’t change that. What we could change is how we react to circumstances in life and what we want out of life. My grandma is gone in the physical form but I know she forgives me, and now it’s time I start to learn what that word “forgiveness” means. Love is the word I am doing my very best to live by. I have learned there is so much more to life than what we see in the physical form. I’m going to spend to the rest of my life living, searching for answers I don’t quit yet have questions to. Searching for the unknown. Thanks for listening."